Politics: A Carlinesque Rant

Originally written as “Jim Winter” in 2011

If you’re like me, politics drives you insane. Maybe you’ve come down firmly on the left or the right, but you have to put up with that annoying coworker who loves the opposite side and wants you to love it, too. Or, if again you’re like me, you’re a political atheist who really doesn’t want to listen to someone’s passionate beliefs spoon-fed to them by some washed-up rock DJ or a whiny ex-sportscaster. Then you get bombarded by political ads designed to convince you the opposition is totally evil and will eat your baby in front of you first chance they get. Let’s face it. Politics stink. Why?

Politics is all about one word: shit. And let me tell you something, people are passionate as hell about their shit. Where the conflict comes in is that kind of shit people are passionate about.

In most places, our definitions of shit fall into two camps: Left and right. Yes, it’s a shitty system. Either/or has never represented reality very well in the best of times. To think that it does is, in itself, a bunch of shit.

But never mind that shit. How do the two sides define shit?

Let’s look at the left first. The left is all about people. They don’t like it when people get treated like shit. They hated the shitty practice of slavery and that whole shit about women not getting the vote. They have shit fits about taking shit away from the people who lived here when the rest of us arrived, telling women what shit to put in or take out of their bodies, and shitting on immigrants, gays, and anyone else who doesn’t exactly fit the identity of an American touted by a bunch of shitheads Abraham Lincoln spent four years beating the shit out of.

But then the right is all about keeping their shit. “Hey, man, I work hard for my shit. Don’t take my shit. And while you’re at it, keep your shit out of my shit. That’s my shit.” They want to get and keep as much shit as possible. They also believe that the government that shits best is the one that shits least.

These definitions aren’t perfect. For instance, the left thinks that, because your grandpa was a flaming shithead, you should give up some of your shit to make up for shitting on all those people grandpa shat on. In other words, if you got a lot of shit, it’s your fault we’re all in the shitter.

On the other hand, the right, who are all about keeping your shit ‘cuz it’s your shit, doesn’t hesitate to tell you, “Hey, don’t do that shit!” They don’t like that shit. Even when they do it, they hide that shit. You can do whatever shit you like, as long as it looks like their shit. And if you lose your shit, “Hey, that’s shitty. Just stay out of my shit. And don’t do any shit I don’t like.”

But it’s all bullshit, of course. True, you shouldn’t treat people like shit. And you should be able to keep your shit. It’s not crime to get more shit, just don’t shit on somebody else doing it.

Now that you understand all this shit, it’s time we all get our shit together, or we’re all fucked.

A timeline of voters’ attitudes through an entire party nomination process in 9 seconds…

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