Out of all the years of the 2010s, 2016 will be one of them. That’s the nicest thing I can say about living through this year. And good riddance.
We lose David Bowie, Glenn Frey, and Alan Rickman. If that’s not a bad omen, I don’t know what is.
Infamous drug lord El Chapo is apprehended. No word from Walter White on what he thinks.
The Zika virus: It’s zomething different.
Jeb Bush drops out of the presidential race, paving the way for Donald Trump.
Obama visits Cuba.
Astronomers find gravity waves a century after Einstein predicted them.
North Korea tests “nuclear” weapons.
Harper Lee, George Gaynes (Punky Brewster), astronaut Edgar Mitchell, and Antonin Scalia all shuffle off their mortal coil.
ISIS sets off bombs in Brussels. NATO returns the favor.
Donald Trump wins big on Super Tuesday. He is not expected to win the nomination.
Nancy Reagan dies.
Aliens tell Ben Carson to drop out of the race.
The Feds want to hack your iPhone. Well, not yours, but this spooks Apple.
Shocker. Panamanian law firm reveals that extremely rich people hide their money overseas. Did not see that coming.
Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders win big in Wisconsin. There is now no way this election can turn into a trainwreck. Right? Right?
Harriet Tubman boots Indian slaughterer and slave holder Andrew Jackson from the $20 bill. And good riddance to the President who triggered America’s first great depression.
Dennis Hastert, the House Speaker who helped engineer Bill Clinton’s impeachment over sexual misconduct, is sentenced to prison for… um… Yeah. Didn’t think that one through, did you, Denny?
Prince? Dead? Seriously? And Merle Haggard? And Doris Roberts? 2016 sucks!
ISIS attacks Baghdad. Iraq returns the favor by bombing the crap out of Fallujah.
The Russians are doping their Olympic athletes? What’s next? Seizing the Crimea from the Ukrai- Oh, wait.
Cruz and Kasich drop out, leaving Trump the last Republican standing. No one is more pissed than the Republican Party.
North Carolina and the Justice Department go to court over the right to use whatever toilet seems appropriate, resulting in the most annoying civil rights battle of our time.
Doctors conduct the first ever penis transplant. I’m not really sure what to say about that.
Harambe, a gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo, is killed when a small boy somehow gets into his enclosure. The deceased gorilla becomes a celebrity and some people’s choice for president. Millions on Facebook become parenting experts overnight. Pretty sure the kid is never going to go to the zoo again, at least not until he is an adult.
Brexit – After two decades of hit-making with the European Union, Great Britain decides to go solo. Does this mean we have 8 continents now?
Several Olympic athletes bow out of this year’s games in Brazil due to the Zika outbreak.
Bernie’s out. Hillary’s the presumptive Democratic nominee. So we’re getting our first woman president. Right?
LeBron brings home an NBA Championship to Cleveland, this time backed by the Cavs’ first string. Clevelanders wonder when NFL football will return to the city after 22 years.
Oh, come on, 2016! Muhammad Ali? Gordie Howe? And Anton Yelchin right before the premier of the new Star Trek? That ain’t right!JULY
Pokemon Go is released. All across the world, kids discover something their parents did without thinking about it. They go outside.
Theresa May becomes Britains Prime Minister in the wake of Brexit as David Cameron resigns. Mainly it’s because no one else wants the job.
Despite France’s constant reenactments of the German invasion at the expense of ISIS, ISIS goes on a rampage in France. Dear ISIS, France might stop bombing you if you leave them alone. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
A coup fails in Turkey.
Trump picks Mike Pence for VP. Hillary cleared by the FBI but called careless. Can we draft Romney and get Obama a waiver for the 25th Amendment?
Verizon buys Yahoo. Well, we’ve all bought a few lemons in our lives.
Happy days end for Garry Marshall as the 2016 death toll rises.
Brazil impeaches its president. Congress takes notes as this probably will come up again in 2017.
Delta Airlines is on hold with tech support for three days, which really sucks if you’re flying Delta.
Michael Phelps cleans up in gold in Brazil Olympics. Ryan Lochte takes the gold in douchebaggery by vandalizing a gas station and lying about a robbery.
Willy Wonka dead? Come on, 2016! Cut us a break.
Mylan decides it shouldn’t be so expensive to save your own life and introduces a generic version of the EpiPen.
Syria drops a chlorine bomb on Aleppo. Because the best way to free a city from a terrorist group like ISIS is to gas everyone in it, including the people you’re trying to liberate. On the other hand, presidential candidate Gary Johnson now knows where Aleppo is.
North Korea tests “nuclear weapons,” including a hydrogen bomb with less power than the demo units the US showed Japan in 1945. Incidentally, Japan voices its approval of said demo units and wonders if the production models could be mounted on cruise missiles, with a range to reach, say, Pyongyang.
Wells Fargo fined for dipping its hands into customers’ pockets. They try to say it was renegade employees until employees produce memos telling the to do just that.
The first three-parent baby born.
Elon Musk unveils plan to populate Mars.
Hugh O’Brian and Arnold Palmer gone.
Bob Dylan wins the Nobel Prize for Literature. Now if they can just contact him about that.
The King of Thailand dies, proving even royals aren’t immune from 2016’s curse.
Iraq moves on Mosul, attacking one of the last strongholds held by ISIS.
Protests erupt near the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation over an oil pipeline. The protests go on through December. Eventually, the pipeline route is moved out of the reservation.
Those hoofbeats you hear? The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are warming up. Why? The Cubs won the World Series. Last time that happened, cars were a novelty for the rich, and Teddy Roosevelt occupied the White House.
President Trump. Really? Jeez.
Leonard Cohen? Come on, man! Knock it off, 2016.
Fidel Castro dies.
Tennessee is burning.
Florence Henderson and Ron Glass gone. 2016 is a meat grinder.
Work on the Dakota Pipeline stops.
Yahoo hacked again.
Greg Lake gone? And George Michael?
Godspeed John Glenn.
Buzz Aldrin goes to the South Pole, get pneumonia, proceeds to kick 2016’s ass.
Carrie Fisher? Seriously? This year needs an an ass-whuppin’!
Thank God it’s over. This has been one of the crappiest years of my lifetime. Makes 2005 look like a lottery win.