2015 In Review

Another year in the books. Was it a good one? I dunno. Gas prices are cheaper, but ISIS is reaching out with its special brand of violent douchebaggery. We found water on Mars, but we have the specter of a Donald Trump presidency. Speaking of specter, SPECTRE!

So let’s look back on the year that was…

January:

  • Pretty much a crappy start to the New Year.
  • Muslim extremists attack Charlie Hebdo, a French satirical newspaper.
  • Meanwhile, Boko Haram, another extremist group that makes ISIS look like a Joel Olsteen rally, takes over a Nigerian town.
  • All this serves as a cue for Israel and Hezbollah to go at each other.

Putin as Dr. EvilFebruary:

  • Egypt begins bombing ISIS locations in Libya after several Christian citizens of the Islamic country are beheaded by the terrorist group.
  • Russia and the Ukraine manage a one-day cease-fire. Guess Vladimir Putin didn’t get his…

One HUNDRED billion DOLLARS!

Giorgio says aliensMarch:

  • NASA’s Dawn probe reaches Ceres, a dwarf planet between Mars and Jupiter and immediately discovers a shining pyramid on the surface. This, of course, makes Giorgio Tsoukalos giddy as hell.

April:

  • On the downside, a major earthquake strikes Nepal.
  • On the upside, the World Health Organization declares rubella eradicated from the Americas. Take that Jenny McCarthy.

May:

  • Ireland legalizes same-sex marriage. And the Jameson flowed all around.

Donald Trump is Il DoucheJune:

  • ISIS celebrates Ramadan with several coordinated attacks. Hey, wait. Have these bastards actually read the Koran? I’m pretty sure that’s frowned upon by the Prophet.
  • The Supreme Court rules that gay marriage is constitutional.
  • Donald Trump begins his run for dictator.

July:

  • Greece goes into credit counseling.
  • New Horizons reaches Pluto, causing Neil deGrasse Tyson to regret demoting the dwarf planet.
  • Cuba and the US realize the Cold War ended in 1990 and restore diplomatic relations.
  • On an unrelated note, science fiction writer TS Hottle resolves to start 2016 with a Cuban cigar.

August:

  • Wreckage from Malaysian Flight 370 is found. The Smoke Monster denies any responsibility, saying, “Hey, man, after JJ Abrams ruined Star Trek, I don’t want nothing to do with that shit.”

VW OopsSeptember:

  • Volkswagen gets caught fudging emissions tests. CEO Hans Schulz told a press conference, “I know nuthink!
  • NASA discovers liquid water on Mars, much to the relief of Matt Damon.

October:

  • ISIS shoots down a Russian airliner in Egypt, which not only serves to further enrage Egypt against the bogus Islamic state, but now brings Russia down on their heads. And for their next trick…

November:

  • ISIS attacks several locations in France, which causes not only France, but online hacking group Anonymous, to declare war on the bogus nation. I’m waiting for al Qaeda to go after them. They already have called them out.
  • In Soviet Union, Turkey shoots you! Yes, in their early efforts to bomb ISIS, Russia loses a fighter when it strays into Turkish airspace and ignores warnings.

December:

  • SpaceX lands the first reusable launch stage to a rocket, meaning we may have a manned space program again soon instead of hitching rides with the Russians.
  • And of course, Star Wars returns…

 

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